The Day My Normal Officially Changed, Forever

October 28, 2004. The day my normal officially changed. Forever.

October 28, 2004, the day I was diagnosed with MS.

When we lived in Chicago, I had many, many symptoms. MY diagnoses ranged from gas to pneumonia, to you're fine. Clearly, I wasn't fine because I kept going to the ER. They tested me for Lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. I had what I called “pixie dust” feelings in my legs, you could see a rib was dislocated, I felt like my arm or leg was wet when it was perfectly dry, and there were days I could not get out of bed. I had headaches that wouldn't go away, I would lose parts of my vision, I was dropping things, and I could not get out of bed. One doctor actually told me, “You're a young woman. You shouldn't be this tired.” Ya think? Maybe that's why I'm here?

I figured if there was no physical cause, it must be psychosomatic. So I went to see a shrink who told me I was fine, too. So, for about 10 years, I was fine. Except I wasn't. I knew I wasn't fine, but the doctors didn't know.

So in October of 2004, we closed on our house. The day the movers came was a beautiful, bright, warm sunny day. My daughter was just over a year old, and the entire time the movers were at our place, I was holding my daughter to keep her out of their way. When I got up the next morning, my legs felt funny, like they had been sprinkled with pixie dust. I figured I must have pinched a nerve, so I thought if I wasn't better by Monday, I would go see my doctor.

Monday came, I wasn't better, so I went to my doctor. I was little surprised when she called a neurologist and sent me there right from her office. I got there, we talked, he scheduled an MRI. “So what do you think it might be?” Well, it's hard to say... “Obviously, you're looking for something.” Well, it could be a spinal tumor, but I've never seen one without pain. Or it could be MS. I had only a vague idea what MS was. I told myself not to Google anything yet, because there was probably nothing wrong, anyway. But I did. I read about MS. The more I read, the more I checked off symptoms.

Back to the office after my MRI. October 28, 2004. We go into his office, not an exam room. “Uh oh, this can't be good” I think to myself. You have MS. But you kinda knew that already, right? Well, yes, because I'm me, I had to read about it. I blurted out, “THANK YOU!” He said that was the first time anyone ever thanked him for giving a diagnosis of MS. I briefly related the past 10 years...so having a name was everything. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't imagining things, I wasn't lazy, and I wasn't faking it. That explained everything. I felt a HUGE relief. I know, it's crazy to feel relieved learning you have MS, but after 10 years of not knowing, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Little did I know that I traded the weight of not knowing for a lifetime of learning all kinds of new things.

I made up my mind, that day, in his office, that MS is what I have, not who I am. I promised myself I wouldn't let this illness define me. Whatever it threw at me, I would catch, and throw it back. I did the MS walks for a couple of years. Maybe I'll be able to do them again one day, maybe not. I'll just fight a different way. I'll find my normal. Every. Single. Time.

Because, if I don't, what's the point?