I'm Okay

I was chatting with a dear friend of mine this morning (well, Facebook chatting, but whatever). We've been friends since before I could drive, and I got my license at 16. It's pretty safe to say that this friend knows me pretty well.

My friend asked me how I was doing, and I replied with my usual, “I'm okay”.

My friend essentially called me out.

My friend knew that “okay” was a cop out answer.

I know it's okay not to be okay. It's even okay to tell people that you're not okay. I know these things. Believe me, I know these things verrrrrry well.

My friend and I talked about how venting helps sometimes, and I agree with that, but usually not when it comes to my MS. I'll vent about lousy customer service, an item being out of stock, or inane things that really don't matter, but I don't just kvetch about having MS, or feeling the way I feel.

My friend is always available for me to kvetch and whine and vent to, but I said that I find it senseless to complain about something that has no end and no solution. Kvetching about a problem that may have a solution (to me) is very different than kvetching about something that you truly have no control over. To me, that's complaining just to complain. Would I feel better after complaining? Possibly, but I doubt it. I feel like it would be like wallowing in the depths of MS, and that would be awful for me.

My MS is different from day to day, and sometimes within the same day. I may start the day feeling great, and then I might crumble bit by bit. I might start the day feeling foggy and lethargic, but something wakes up inside and I feel terrific for a while. I might feel great throughout the whole day, I might feel like a slug throughout the whole day, or each day might be a combination of ups and downs.

It's always different. That's my normal.

But mostly, saying “I'm okay” is just easier than describing each symptom. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting into it. Sometimes I want to be okay. Some days, I want to be old me. Okay, well, every day I want to be old me, but some days I can fake it pretty well.

But every day I'm grateful for the people in my life who can detect when okay isn't okay, even through texting.