How YOU Doin'?

How are you feeling today?

Like you, I get asked that question all day. Most of the time, it's just a duty of etiquette, and the only answer you're required to give is, “Fine, thank you.”

Then there are the times someone really wants to know how I am feeling. There are a handful of people who genuinely want to know about my tingling, tripping, stumbling, sinking, fumbling, clumsy cuz I'm falling in...oops, I just got reminded of a Fergie song. Sorry. What was I saying? Oh, yea. There is a very small percentage of people who seem to truly want to know, so I lay it out; the good, the bad, and the ugly. And they tell you how much better you're feeling.

I know people mean well when they tell you that everyone gets tired, eyesight declines with age, or that age can make you more forgetful, so I really try to bite my tongue. Sometimes what I really want to say is, “IT'S NOT THE BLEEPING SAME!” But I don't. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings on purpose.

After all these years with MS, I've found that people who seem to downplay your symptoms usually aren't doing it because they think you're faking it, or because they think you're feeling better than you are. They usually do it out of genuine empathy. These people, for the most part, are looking for ways to identify with your symptoms (of course they rarely can, but they try), so they draw comparisons from their personal experiences.

We all do that from time to time, don't we? Someone has a cold, we draw from our own experience and compare symptoms. Someone has a sprain, we recall our sprain/ligament tear/fracture. It's a way that we show solidarity and say “I can really relate to what you're saying”. With MS, or any other invisible illness for that matter, our symptoms aren't readily noticeable (well, unless you're in a wheelchair or something, so I guess I'm saying my symptoms are invisible). When you try to explain what you're feeling, people's first reaction is to draw from their experience, and empathize. So, they recall the night with broken sleep, or the time their leg fell asleep, or the time it was too hot to do something, or they talk about needing glasses.

Please try not to get angry when people do those things. They are just showing empathy in the only way they know how. People genuinely want you to feel better; people want to assure you that you're not alone in the struggle. While they may not have MS, they certainly have some way that they think they can relate. And if you do blow up that day? Don't be too hard on yourself. We are only human and can only take so much. It takes a lot of effort and energy to control balance, compensate for faulty vision, feel tingly, try walking without stumbling, all while dealing with the fatigue that seems to glue you to the bed or the chair or the sofa. But, for the most part, people who try to empathize aren't trying to hurt your feelings. Try not to hurt theirs, either.