Killing Your Darlings

I made some time to sit down to write today. I wanted to work on a post for tomorrow, and it came out exceptionally long. It's nearly the length of two entries, so I figured I'd better do some editing. Except when I tried, I couldn't find any parts to cut and have the entry still make sense. Well, as much sense as any of my posts make.

Why is it that we can (almost) ruthlessly edit someone else's writing, but we can't edit our own? I suppose that while we may even be friends with the writer, the writing is still impersonal. When you write something yourself, it's your blood (ink) on the paper.

I can go back to rearrange words, change words, even reconstruct a paragraph but slashing entire sentences, or gasp, paragraphs?? The horror!!! Yet I feel I must. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I usually keep my posts within 100 words of 500, give or take. I didn't try for that, it just seems to be where I usually end.

When I'm finished, just before I publish, I tap the little word count button, and I'm usually close to 500. Today when I tapped the little button, it read over 800. I was horrified. Well, nearly. Certainly shocked.

I'm always surprised after I've written something and it's as long as it is. And then there's that little voice inside telling me that no one is going to take the time to read all some hundred-odd words that you wrote. I'm even more amazed when more than 25 people read my blog on any given day (which has been all of them, truthfully, surprisingly). I still have that voice inside telling me that I can't do it; I'm not a good writer; no one will read my writing.

Yet, I tap tap tap away on the keyboard because even if I'm not the best writer, writing give me pleasure. It's my release. It's my recreational drug of choice. It's liberating. Even if no one was reading my blog, I'm pretty sure I'd still be writing because it's my catharsis.

I may not tell anyone in person how I'm really feeling, but I almost always post it in my blog. For example, today I'm rather like a tuning fork again, I'm really fatigued, and I'm battling a headache on top of my usual pain. But if I run into you at Target or Wegmans, I'm fine.

Oh, speaking of fine, my legs are officially the same length again, thanks to physical therapy!! I'm really glad I'm pushing through it because it's really helping, though the MS is really rearing its ugly head big time. I'm hoping that the MS symptoms will subside a bit when I stop pushing myself. But- I don't know that it will. It just might, but even if these symptoms are here to stay, my back will be stronger.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to attempt to kill my darlings.