I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I was so excited to start tap class way back when! After a couple of classes, it was painfully obvious that I am no longer in control of my body. Sure, I could have continued, but all it did was remind me that...that what? That I have MS? That my legs weren't obeying my commands? That my balance is really kerflooey? Yes, all of that. All of that and more.

I know the instructor wouldn't have minded if I stayed in the class because it wasn't a performing class, but all the class did was make me feel bad. I felt bad about not being able to do most of the turns, I felt bad about needing the barre to do side shuffles, and I felt bad that I couldn't do an Irish. In short, I had to face the limitations MS has given me.

I didn't like it.

Most of the time, I can dismiss most of my symptoms. I have shortcuts and cheats galore. When it came to learning a new physical skill, my body wasn't having it. A shuffle is supposed to have 2 sounds when you do it properly. I could barely make my foot produce one sound.

So, moving on. Except I couldn't move on. I wasn't exactly in a depression, but some of Pollyanna hibernated for a while. I was filled with heaps of self-doubt that oozed into many parts of my life. That's one of the reasons I haven't been writing. I couldn't defeat the “Who Cares” dragon.

Well, who cares?

I do. I care.

I like writing, even if I'm the only reader I have.

So is Pollyanna back?

Mostly, she is.

Like Chicago said, feeling stronger every day. Quitting smoking did a LOT to make me feel empowered. I'm almost at a month now, and I really don't feel horrible cravings. Every once in a while, I think about smoking, but not in the context of wanting a cigarette. It's a great, yet curious feeling.