Processed Orange Goo

For the past few months, my daughter has been asking me to buy spray cheese in a can. Growing up, we knew it as “Cheez Whiz”. I don't recall my mom ever buying it, though I have a recollection of how bad it tasted, so I must have had it somewhere.

I kept telling my daughter that there was no way I was going to spend $3.79 for a little can of processed orange goo marketed as cheese, especially because she doesn't even like real cheese. For $3.79, I can buy a brick of real cheddar. I told her how awful I thought it was, and what a waste of money it would be.

Yesterday, she had her own money with her at the grocery store. Guess what she bought? Yes, processed orange goo in a can, marketed as cheese.

They changed the name from Cheez Whiz to “Easy Cheese”. There are so many jokes to make about that name! Go ahead. I'll wait. But seriously, is the new name really better than Cheez Whiz? Really?

Of course, we bought some Ritz crackers so she could have the best possible vehicle for her mound of processed orange goo. She ripped the protective seal off of the cap! She was SO excited when she turned the can upside down! She pushed the the the (whatever one calls the thing you depress to extricate the goo) trigger? Anyway, she pushed the thing, and out came the goo. It meanders out of the can, as if it's not in any hurry. When I think of food in an aerosol can, I think of whipped cream. Whipped cream comes out of a can with a great whoosh, and in a few seconds, there's more whipped cream than you need. Whipped cream just about shouts, “I'm HERE. I have arrived!” This goo just sort of ambles on out of the can, lounging on the cracker without a care, like it's not eager for you to be disappointed.

She could hardly control herself as she lifted the cracker full of processed orange goo to her mouth for the first bite! I'm guessing she was probably thinking something like “I'm so glad my mom doesn't like this stuff. I can have the whole can, and not have to share!”

On the way to her mouth, her nose caught the fragrance of the processed orange goo. There was a very long pause. She decided to resume the trajectory and took that bite! This was, after all, her Easy Cheese, and she was finally able to have that mysterious and previously forbidden food of the gods! The moment was upon us! Cheese from a can was to be a secret no longer kept by other people.

I don't recall her exact words, but we are now the not-so-proud owners of a can of processed orange goo marketed as cheese that has only a few clumps freed from the can.

I just thought of a new ad for it:

Hi, John, want to come over for cheese and crackers?

Sure!

How do you like your cheese, John?

Oh, I like it Easy! Easy Cheese is an excellent source of calcium! Is says so on the can!

Too cheesy? Sorry...