I Am Strong, I Am Invincible, aaaaand Nope. Not Now. Maybe Later. Maybe Not.

I never used to talk about having MS. Perhaps I thought by not talking about it, it wouldn't be real. Maybe I thought that by talking about having MS, I'd be admitting defeat. Yet again, maybe I thought that no one likes a whiner/complainer/crybaby. I still believe that, but I'm starting to see the difference between talking about having MS, and complaining about having MS.

I never used to say how I was really feeling (and sometimes I still don't). I was always fine or I could have it a lot worse. While that's true, I could have it a lot worse, it doesn't diminish the fact that I do have it, and some days just plain suck.

After having MS (or maybe I should say knowing I have MS) for the past 11 years, I've discovered some things about myself and having MS.

First, I realized that I'm a pretty tough individual. No one really understands what it takes for me to do even the simplest things, and that's not something I can fully articulate. Partly because it changes all the time, and partly because you can't explain what you don't fully understand.

Sometimes I can push myself beyond, but sometimes I can't. Some days, when I'm feeling really good, I'll do more than I know I should, just because I can. Then some days, it's a struggle to get up from the chair.

MS is unpredictable. Just because I could do it yesterday, doesn't mean I can do it today. Conversely, just because I couldn't do it today doesn't mean I won't be able to do it tomorrow.

While MS has changed many parts of my life, changed much of what I can do, and changed how I do things, MS hasn't changed who I am. I'm still me, and in the words of the infamous Elaine Stritch, I'm still here.

I'm still Pollyanna, even when I don't want to be. Inside, I make all these plans to do stuff because even I don't always feel like I have an illness. Then when I go to execute said plans, my body is like, “you can't be serious”. Or worse, I'll start to execute said plans, and when I'm passed the point of no return, immersed in whatever I thought was a good idea, my body will say, “Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope”. Then I have to decide whether it's a “push beyond” moment, or “throw in the towel” moment.

As much as people seem to want to understand what MS does, or how it affects me, it's still hard to have people truly understand what it's like. You would think that someone who fancies herself a writer would do a better job describing things, but then again, maybe it's not me.

Which leads me to: it's not really my concern if people don't understand/accept/realize just what MS does to me. I still have MS whether people understand my condition or if they don't. Much in the vein of “it's none of my business what other people think of me”, if I've explained what MS is, what it can do, and how it affects me, I've done my part. After that, they're on their own. Again, though, it's really hard to explain something you don't fully understand yourself, and it's happening to you.

Now that I've said all that, part of this does sound a lot like a rant, and that's not how I intended it to be. See the first paragraph about learning the difference between talking about having MS and complaining about having MS. Even after all these years, I'm still learning.