Wednesday was the second last hoop I have to jump through on the road to the clinical trial. To recap, I've had the three hour neurological exam (including the suicide phone interview), blood work, a thorough eye exam with an ophthalmologist, a chest x-ray, an MRI, and today's visit.
When I walked into the exam room, I saw this booth that was reminiscent of the booths used in some old television game shows. I think they were called isolation booths, so the contestant couldn't hear the competition. I vaguely wondered what my prize would be; Rice-A-Roni, or Turtle Wax.
Wednesday was a lung function test. I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure, but it's about as enjoyable as watching your least favorite movie over and over. It's not painful, but it's certainly no fun. You have to blow into a tube several different ways, all of them awkward.
This tube is about the circumference of a large banana, and it's made of very rigid plastic. You're supposed to have this thing in your mouth, lips and teeth tightly holding it, while there is a clamp on your nose. You're then instructed to do a series of stupid breathing things that are so unnatural we had to restart several times.
You have to exhale for about 6 to 10 seconds. That is a really really long time to exhale. Go ahead and try it. I'll wait.
Yea, it's not pleasant. Then there was another one where I had to pant. Breathe in, breathe out. Quickly. Same level every time. Don't think about your breathing. What? I don't normally breathe at exactly the same volume each time, so if I don't think about it, I can't reach the same level every time. You're inhaling more than you're exhaling. You just told me not to think about it! That test took a while because I kept flunking. Apparently, I'm not an even breather by nature.
The last test was basically breathing into a wall. A very close to you wall. Maybe more like...yea, sorry, I really have no frame of reference for this part of the test. This tube closes part way through you exhaling, and you need to keep exhaling against this seemingly solid surface. It was very odd and completely unnatural. Oh, just thought of it...when you try to blow up a tiny balloon, and it doesn't want to expand, and you feel like it's impossible to inflate the darn thing. That's how this test felt.
Anyway, through all that, some minor equipment trouble, and a fat lip from the breathing tube apparatus, my lungs are functioning perfectly, and I have very high volume, whatever that means. All I know is that it feels good to breathe the way I'm used to breathing. Irregularly, unevenly, without a pattern, not thinking about it. Kinda like me, in general.
"Irregularly, unevenly, without a pattern, not thinking about it. Kinda like me, in general." BwaHaHAHAHA!
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